Jokes & Cartoons
Little Tommy was the
quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions
but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one
said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his
head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do
something to give him confidence.
" Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I
can get you to say three words. You can have half."
Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose."
Morning at the casino. Two
bored dealers are delighted when an attractive lady comes
to their crap table and puts down $20,000 down on a single
roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind" she says "but I
feel much luckier when I'm topless." With that she removes
both blouse and bra. She rolls the dice, yelling "Momma
needs a new shirt!" Then she jumps up and down and hugs
the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up
her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers
stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one to them asks,
"What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't
know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
A man comes home to find his
wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the
surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there
are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began
packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she
" I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how
you're going to live on $1000 a year!"
Ned was down on his luck in
Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to
borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's
room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime
in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his
winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his
small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture
circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his
audiences that he was eternally grateful to his
benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share
his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in
the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the
one who gave you the dime."
" You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the
guy who left the door open!"
President Clinton was being
entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day
discussing what the country had received from the Russians
before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians
built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. We
learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.
President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette is a
The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed
African roulette. If you want to have good relations with
our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He
pushed a buzzer, and in paraded a half dozen,
magnificently built women who immediate shrugged off their
garb. "You can choose any one of those women to give you
oral sex," he told Clinton.
As you can well imagine, THIS got Clinton's immediate
attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a
thought occurred to him. "How is this related to Russian
The African leader smiled evilly, leaned towards Clinton
and in a soft, even voice said "One of them is a
“What’ll you have, Normie?”
” Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass
of whatever comes out of that tap.”
” Looks like beer, Norm.”
” Call me Mister Lucky.”
Bill Gates arrives at the
port to heaven and hell. Petrus says : You see Bill, we
don't know what to do with you. You may choose "heaven" or
Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men
sitting around at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and
sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll,
and most of all, gambling.
So Bill says : I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell!
Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. So
Bill says : hey, what the hell is this, I saw all the
gambling, the women, and sex?
The devil says: 'That was just a demo version."
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our
engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is
breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your
place. I love you.
All my love,
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
The best bet for a player to
make is what is called a "Mind Bet" You stand behind the
game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner.
You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind.
Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.
One day, at a casino buffet,
a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed
a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a
nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite
experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with
almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around
the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had
happened." Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are
you a paramedic?" " No," replied the man. "I work for the
A blonde went to Las Vegas.
She had been in the casino for about an hour, and realized
she was thirsty. So she went to the pop machine in the
hall. She put $1.00 in an a Pespi came out, she put
another $1.00 in and another Pespi came out, she put one
last $1.00 in and another Pespi came out. A man saw her,
and he said: "What are you doing?" And the blonde said:
Did you hear
about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"That's great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the
mountains, or what?"
Just get out."
hatchet-faced lady tapped the keeper of the monkey house
indignantly on the shoulder. "Those wretched animals of
yours appear to be engaged in shooting dice. I demand that
you break up the game at once."
"Shucks," shrugged the keeper, "They're keeping strictly
within the law, Ma'am. They're only playing for peanuts."